My
heart went out to the families and friends in a neighboring community this past
weekend which was dealing with the loss of three teenagers in a tragic car
accident. The crash is still under
investigation and all the details are not known. However, the devastation for
the family and friends of this small community is going to be felt for years to
come.
As I
thought about this small town crisis, my heart broke for the man of God within
our denomination that would minister to these families. At least of one the
children killed was a member of his church, and the others were friends of the
teenager so he may even have known them as well. He will be called upon to
provide emotional support, pastoral care, and answers to all the theological
questions of the families in a time of crisis, mainly “WHY”
The
pastor will be challenged to work with family members at different points in
the stages of grief, and keep it all straight in his mind. Family will go
through the stages ranging from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance. He will not only deal with these emotions and stages of grief with
the immediate family (mom, dad, sisters, and brothers) but he will also face
the emotions of the grandparents, aunt, uncles, and dozens of other
relationships.
As a
pastor, associate pastor, and counselor I have never had to address the issues
this pastor is facing. The funerals that I have been called on to do were of
older men and women that had lived a full life, and the end was messaged in
time, know that it was coming.
As a
pastor, anytime we address an unplanned death it is hard: car wreck,
complication from surgery, suicide, and shooting. These are all hard and for us as
pastors/ministers, to think that we are above the emotional struggles that our
members face is crazy.
However,
over the years in my role as an associate pastor and counselor I have worked
with several pastors that have faced similar challenges. As I talked with them
and encouraged them I shared six foundational points that I believe are
essentials for “Pastoral Self Care in a time of crisis”
1.
As a pastor we must not be afraid to cry over
the loss of a member of our church or a dear friend that has died; we are human
and need to address our own emotions.
2.
As a pastor we must be willing to take care of our
own personal physical needs, including getting enough rest, eating healthy, and
getting some exercise (getting up and moving around). On a personal note several years ago, I did a
funeral about three hours from home for a family member and missed this part of
the Self-care. We drove in late that
night, got very little sleep, did not eat breakfast, and went through the whole
day with no rest. On the trip home that afternoon (real late) I was in the back
seat with a migraine, and sick to my stomach from not eating.
3.
As a pastor we have to be willing to talk with a
minister friend or counselor about our own personal emotions and feeling,
especially in situation like this one where you know that individual and the
family that you are dealing with.
4.
As a pastor we need to find time to continue in
our personal prayer and devotional time. This is essential in keeping us
grounded in the word of God, and addressing our own spiritual relationship with
Christ.
5.
As a pastor we need to spend time with our own
family throughout the process. This is not only for you, but for them as well.
This is even more important if for example in this case (and I don’t know this
for sure) the pastor has a teenage son/daughter that knew the kids that died,
they may have questions that they need there pastor/father to answer as well.
6.
Lastly, as a pastor, (and sadly this is
something that as pastors we are really bad about because it takes planning for
the future.) every pastor should have a group of pastors/ministers that he
meets with at least monthly, if not weekly to provide support and
encouragement, in the great blessing a that God provides; and wise
counseling, a shoulder to cry on, and
prayers that you will need as you address the challenges of death or crisis in
your church.
